Friday, July 07, 2006

Sstans kickings

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upwards I look and see Him there,
Who made an end to all my sin
For God the just is satisfied
To look on him and pardon me
To look on him and pardon me

I hate it when Satan gives me a good kicking. I've spent a lot of time this week mulling over what a sinful wretch I am and wondering how God could ever love me. This isn't necessarily a bas thing, as long as I ocme to the conclusion that for some bizarre reason God does love me, even though I let him down tiem and time again, he loved me enough to send his Son to die so that my sinful soul can be counted free. I've just got back from Diamonds Cafe - an outreach to the over 60s in our local community that I set up 2 months ago. Now, I love Diamonds and God is already doing great things in it. We were small in number today, bu the gosepl was proclaimed. There is one women who God is blatantly persuing, she opens up more and more each time and talks to us about where she is spiritually, and how she would like that to change. And all of them today expressed an interst in coming to a community bbq that Rock is putting on. God is doing stuff through Diamonds and I should be jumping up and down with joy - but today I'm not. Today, I was very aware of wearing a mask at the end of Diamonds - I wore a mask of positivity - praising the team (who had done a great job) and saying how exciting I was about what God's doing, but inwardly I was crying. Inwardly there was a voice (which is still there actually) going 'You're rubbish - you are rubbish'. There were a few practical things that I did badly this afternoon, and Satan's trying to get a grip on me because of them , trying to condemn me. But I'm not going to let him - I'm not going to wallow in self pity. I choose not to - I choose to look upward, to my sinless saviour who died for me. It is true that I am rubbish, in fact, I'm more rubbish than I ever imagined, but I am more loved than I could ever dream. I have no right to be involved in God's work, but for some reason he chooses to use me in it. And if God graciously chooses to use me in his work - who I am to quesiton him for that. Yes, I am rubbish, but God's grace is big enough for me. Hooray for Him!

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we prfess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathesise with our weaknesses,but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are, yet without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:14-15


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