Lou is... loved but dispensable

Well 2008 hasn't been that fun for me so far - I've spent most of it in bed with a virus. Started chucking up at 1 am on New Years Day and haven't looked back since. Fun. But you know apartly God works all things for the good of those of love Him (so I've heard) so what has he been teaching me in the last 2 weeks of being ill?

1. He shown he loves me, by his people loving me 1 Jn 4:12-13 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us We see God when we love each other. I was with some friends from church when I first threw up. They kindly took me home, and instructed me to tell them how I wsa in the morning. In the morning it took a lot of effort to text them news of my not overly fun night. J phoned me back, told me he was coming to get me, and took me to another couple from church's house who looked after me for a few days. As J was driving me there, he was more concerned about whether I'd like the DVDs he'd selected for me to watch than if I was going to throw up in his car! Being ill is a time which is often incredbily lonely, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been lonely in the last two weeks, but having many encouraging texts, offers of food and company from my church family has definitely helped. I love seeing God's love so tangibly at work.
2. God's love for me is in no way dependant on me. In the last few weeks I haven't been able to do much for God - I haven't been able to read my Bible much, to pray much, to serve others much - yet I'm no further away from God than I would be if I'd been doing 2 hour bible study and prayer sessions each morning and constantly looking out for other peoples needs above my own. Because of Jesus I am as close to God as I can ever be. He lavishes his love on me anyway - no matter what I can and can't do. It isn't about earning God's love. Which I still find so hard to grasp. I went to our Friends and Family meeting this morning and found it so weird. I have no energy to do anything at the moment, so standing up for longer than 2 minutes was presenting a problem this morning, lifting and carrying was a definite no, no. Usually on Sunday mornings I would be running around, setting things up, tidying things away, welcoming new comers, looking out for the lonely. But today I couldn't - and that was weird. So often I do things either to earn God's love, or others approval - to not be able to do things has really helped me to look at where I get my approval from. Which leads me nicely to
3. Learning that I am dispensible. And that is not a bad thing. God graciously chooses to use me at Christ Church, Brighton - but he can also choose NOT to use me - he can choose to use other people, while I'm not around. I do love the fact that God is in control. I love the fact that as I lie in bed sick I don't have to worry about how things can get done without me - they will get done. God knew I was going to get this illness, blatantly things aren't going to fall apart beccause of it - the Creator of the Universe doesn't require Lou Waddington to be fit and active for his purposes to be carried out. Phew. So here I am blogging while Church in a Pub happens quite merriliy without me.
I'm not needed but I am loved - those are two great things to know

True Love

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, spread His praise from shore to shore!How He loveth, ever loveth, changeth never, nevermore!
How He watches o’er His loved ones, died to call them all His own;
How for them He intercedeth, watcheth o’er them from the throne!

O the deep, deep love of Jesus, love of every love the best!
’Tis an ocean full of blessing, ’tis a haven giving rest!
O the deep, deep love of Jesus, ’tis a heaven of heavens to me;And it lifts me up to glory, for it lifts me up to Thee!

Quantum Mechanics and faith?

J (who is an RE teacher) interviewed me and Kevin (the physics geeks in our church) about quantum mechanics and faith a few weeks ago. The podcast is here (which is a brilliant website that J has produced about worldviews - it also has a really moving interview with Liz, one of my friends from church whose son had a brain tumour.)
Bear in mind this interview took place without much warning on a random car journey whilst I was knackered (these are my excuses for maybe not always explaining things as clearly as possible.. thankfully Kevin is generally more on than ball than me! (and I would like to point out that at one point it sounds like I arrogantly interupt to explain about Schrodinger's cat - but J has kindly edited out Kevin going 'Lou can explain this..') Anyway - its quite a random interview!

White cane-ing it

This is my white cane. Most people I know don't know that have a white cane, most people have never seen me using it. That is generally because I don't really like using it and most of the time I don't need it (although some would say I should use it anyway as its a signal cane - ie I'm telling people I can't see... therefore they may be less likely to drive into me or something) However, I have started using it more reguarly recently - partly coz I realised that actually when my eyes are sore I can see very little and it probably is much safer for me to use the cane at these times. Using a cane can be quite hilarious - the way people respond to you is so different. Sometimes people just ignore it, for example I was using it in rush hour in London yesterday and I get pushed out the way pretty much as much as when I not using it (commuters ,ya gotta love 'em!) Sometimes (and this is probably my favourite reaction) people become uber-helpful in a nice way. I was in lost in Eastbourne a few weeks ago and stopped an old couple to ask for directions, which they helpfully gave. The old man then asked if I needed help crossing the road - very sweet but I'm sure it should be role reversal! And then there's the reaction I like least - people who think they are being helpful but are actually just being stupidly patronising. Thankfully I have no very recently examples of this - but there are oh so many examples in the past. They often involve people not talking to me, but talking to the person who is with me about me (eg 'Does she need any help?'), as if I am deaf and stupid as well as being blind (sight impaired) - seriously!! Does disability = stupid person?? I don't think so! I have a physics degree!! One of the reasons I don't like using my cane is that I know people will look at me and have preconceptions about me. The trouble with sight impairment is that it is in no way black and white (unless you're colourblind - haha!) It's not just like either you can see or you can't, there is a huge range that different people with sight impairment can see and so a huge range of ways we need to be helped. (I find it very difficult to describe what I can see, for as long as I remember I have been able to see like this - I don't really have anything to compare it to - what can you see?) It frustrates me a lot when people who I don't know just assume wrongly they know what I need, for example an aiport attendent at Stansted a few months ago made me sit in a wheelchair.. (obviously all disabilities are the same and the solution = wheelchair!) Sometimes I even pander to them and pretend I can see less than I can just to keep them happy. Why don't people just ask? I like it when people ask in a non patronising way if they can help, often I will politely refuse, but sometimes (usually when I'm trying to work out trains and they are seriously frustrating me...) it seems like a God send to have someone ask me that. Navagating your way around a new place when you can't read signs can be ridiculously frustrating, and having someone kindly ask if they can help is brilliant. I think everyone should be made to use a cane for a day... then people may have more of an idea how to be helpful without being patronising!!

My granny

My granny died 10 days ago. She was a very kind lady. Here are a couple of incidents that sum up her kindness.:
* When I was 11 years old and broke my foot - she knitted a 'toe cosy' to go over the plaster so my toes wouldn't get cold.
* She often helped me, and subsequently other younger cousins to find the thimble in the aunnual game of 'hunt the thimble' in the Waddington family gathering. If you've never played 'Hunt the thimble' (and really, why would you have?) it's a very simple game - someone hides a small metal thimble in our living room while everyone else is waiting outside, the cry of 'ready' goes up and everyone piles into the room (bear in mind I have a large extended family, and elbows are often used in this process!) and looks for the thimble. A cry of 'found it!' will go up and we all dutifully pile back out of the room for the victor to hide the treasured thimble. As a visually impaired little girl, I'm not sure how I ever found this game fun, I guess having Granny (and others) help me to find it must have made it fun. Since growing up people have stopped helping me and it has become a lot less fun - usually involving hanging around in a corridor and not even getting through the door before some sharp eyed cousin or brother has located that darned thimble! But this is a game I will always associate with my Granny - she would always patiently bear with us, in our over competitive enthusisum or grumpiness and help the youngest and weakest to enjoy the game.
Granny Wadds - I will miss you!

The Bible is awesome!!

I do love Sussex CU - they are cute (I could probably put that in a less patronisting way but I can't be bothered!! they are cute) I do love the Bible more though. It is just amazing. 66 books written by a load of different authors, in many different styles and genres, written over a time span of more than 1500 years, and yet it tells a perfectly consistant story centred around Jesus. It reveals an awesomely complicated but loving triune God, who made us to have a relationship with Him. He knew we were going to reject him, to say 'stuff you God' and turn away from Him even before He created us, yet he still did, he created us knowing that he was going to send Jesus to rescue and restore us, and He spends the whole of the Old Testament pointing towards Jesus. And because Jesus died for us, we can have that restored relationship with God that goes on forever, and will become perfect when Jesus returns. Awesome!!

Root of all evil = forgetfulness??

Last week at Porterbrook, we learnt about 4 truths about God that we forget when we sin. Sin is about exchanging the truth of God for a lie, we give in to rebelling aginst Him, as we forget or distort who God is. We forget that:

1. God is in control - so I don't need to be. This means there is no need to worry, no need to get cross about things I can't control, no need to overwork - coz God's got it sorted. There are so many stiutations I need to remember this in - from huge life decisions right down to when I'm getting aggrivated at a bus stop coz the bus is late again - God is in control, why am I stressing?

2. God is bigger, so we don't need to fear others. This is something I find very diffiuclt - looking for people's approval rather than for God's. It means I can be tempted to constatnly compare myself to others, to tell small lies to make myself look better, to be scared of telling non-christians about Jesus coz I'm afraid they'll think I'm a freak, and getting overbusy as I don't want to say no to people. But its stupid, as it means I become controlled by people. And actually I'm not loving people anyway, as when I serve them out of wanting to win people's approval I'm actually only serving myself. That doesn't mean we should be dismissive of what people think of us, but rather we should fear God above people. (Fearing doesn't mean shake in your shoes, it means to respond properly to a holy God, that is love, worship, respect, submit to). It is only when we fear God that we are free to serve for love's sake, and not for our own self interest.

3. God is better, so we don't need to look elsewhere. This is something that can be really diffiuclt to believe! I get totally blinded by the world and don't believe that whatever sin offers - God offers something far better! The Bible doesn't show the Christian life as being one of dreary abstinance, but rather one of deep joy. A life of holiness is one of joy. Lord - help me to believe this!!

4. God is gracious - so we don't have to prove ourselves. In the parable of the prodigal son, the older brother doesn't join in the joyful feast to celebrate his brothers return not because he is too bad, but because he is too good. He's cross as he thinks he deserves something from the father because he's worked hard for him and been faithful. He is trusting in his own self righteousness and reject the grace his father wants to give him. We always need to remember we're not good enough for God, the only thing we deserve is judgement, but God lavishes grace on us anyway. This will get rid of our self righteousness and mean we will never look down on people.

I've found it really helpful this week to remind myselves of these truths when I'm tempted to sin, and it's incredbile how it actually works at times!! Especially as it creates an attitude that is less 'I should not do this' (legalism) but 'I need not do this' - becasue God is bigger / better etc - why would I do this? I don't need to!! (and that is grace) There is stiill a long way to go, but hopefully God will help me with my forgetfulness!!

Gospel Change

The reason I went to Shefield last week was to start the Porterbrook Network course - its an awesome course based around church planting and mission (most of the time I'll be doing it over skype and missing out on the fantastic home made cakes :o( ) I absolutely loved it this week - and it's given me a lot to think about. Hopefully I'll be able to process some of what I'm learning on here over the coming months.
One of the strands we're looking at this year is about our own Christian character. We were asked what about ourselves do we want to change - not a new haircut or wardrobe, but one specific way we would like to be more like Jesus. I don't think I ask myself this question enough. I'm very aware of my own sin but I rarely sit down and think, what do I want to change, how will I do that.

We then thought about the wrong reasons we have for wanting to change:
- to impress God - somehow God will like me more if I change this thing, I'll be more acceptable to Him. It is just not true. The only way we are accepted by God is through Jesus. Arrogantly, we want to add something, even something small, to our salvation. We want to be a contributor rather than someone who just receives the free gift of God's grace. How rude are we?!
- to impress ourselves - we all want to think well of ourselves - that we are really a good person, my identity is based far too much on what I do.
- to impress other people - this is the one I struggle with most. I can't think of many good things that I do without having at least a small amount of wanting other people to know, and to think that I'm great. If I'm honest, most of the time its my main motive. It is all about me and what you think of me. I want to change so that others will pat me on the back, or think 'wow isn't Lou godly / a nice person / whatever. It is far to easy to forget that I have a Father in heaven who sees what I do, and why I do it - I always want earthly recognition.

All of these reasons are not the right reason to change - they all make change about me - which is a definition of sin! Gospel repentance is as much turning away from the right things that we do out of wrong motives as it is from turning away from wrong things. Which is so hard!! I'm so much more of a sinner than I ever realise, as I just never do things out of right motives - never!! But God does forgive me. The only way we can purge any sin in our life, the only way we can change is not by guilting ourselves into it, but by recognising that it has already been dealt with on the cross.

The reason I should want to change is none of the above. It is because Jesus has already freed me, I am no longer a slave to sin. I should want to change to enjoy the freedom that comes from not sinning, to enjoying be more of the person I was made to be - to be delighting in God through what Jesus has done for me. Its so hard when everything around you and insdie you is screaming at you that sin is good, it is enjoyable, give into it. But that is a lie. Giving into sin, giving in to wrong motivation is selling myself short, is not being the person I'm created to be and is dampening my true joy. I want to change - I want to be more like Jesus, because God is amazing and I want to delight in Him.