Sunday, January 13, 2008

Lou is... loved but dispensable

Well 2008 hasn't been that fun for me so far - I've spent most of it in bed with a virus. Started chucking up at 1 am on New Years Day and haven't looked back since. Fun. But you know apartly God works all things for the good of those of love Him (so I've heard) so what has he been teaching me in the last 2 weeks of being ill?

1. He shown he loves me, by his people loving me 1 Jn 4:12-13 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us We see God when we love each other. I was with some friends from church when I first threw up. They kindly took me home, and instructed me to tell them how I wsa in the morning. In the morning it took a lot of effort to text them news of my not overly fun night. J phoned me back, told me he was coming to get me, and took me to another couple from church's house who looked after me for a few days. As J was driving me there, he was more concerned about whether I'd like the DVDs he'd selected for me to watch than if I was going to throw up in his car! Being ill is a time which is often incredbily lonely, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been lonely in the last two weeks, but having many encouraging texts, offers of food and company from my church family has definitely helped. I love seeing God's love so tangibly at work.
2. God's love for me is in no way dependant on me. In the last few weeks I haven't been able to do much for God - I haven't been able to read my Bible much, to pray much, to serve others much - yet I'm no further away from God than I would be if I'd been doing 2 hour bible study and prayer sessions each morning and constantly looking out for other peoples needs above my own. Because of Jesus I am as close to God as I can ever be. He lavishes his love on me anyway - no matter what I can and can't do. It isn't about earning God's love. Which I still find so hard to grasp. I went to our Friends and Family meeting this morning and found it so weird. I have no energy to do anything at the moment, so standing up for longer than 2 minutes was presenting a problem this morning, lifting and carrying was a definite no, no. Usually on Sunday mornings I would be running around, setting things up, tidying things away, welcoming new comers, looking out for the lonely. But today I couldn't - and that was weird. So often I do things either to earn God's love, or others approval - to not be able to do things has really helped me to look at where I get my approval from. Which leads me nicely to
3. Learning that I am dispensible. And that is not a bad thing. God graciously chooses to use me at Christ Church, Brighton - but he can also choose NOT to use me - he can choose to use other people, while I'm not around. I do love the fact that God is in control. I love the fact that as I lie in bed sick I don't have to worry about how things can get done without me - they will get done. God knew I was going to get this illness, blatantly things aren't going to fall apart beccause of it - the Creator of the Universe doesn't require Lou Waddington to be fit and active for his purposes to be carried out. Phew. So here I am blogging while Church in a Pub happens quite merriliy without me.
I'm not needed but I am loved - those are two great things to know